


When I could still believe

by Angelica (Humanbutnothuman)



Series: Throw a World Off It's Axis [1]
Category: Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 12:57:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13318596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Humanbutnothuman/pseuds/Angelica
Summary: Joanna tries to believe so hard.





	When I could still believe

"If it's a boy, Peter I think." Helen Pevensie told her husband, as she browsed through the book of names she acquired. "I know we said Josephine for a girl, but I don't think it quite fits."

"No, I agree, I don't think it quite fits either. Maybe Joanna?" Her husband furrowed his brows, looking over her shoulder.

"Yeah, Joanna. Better than Alberta and Clarence's Eustace and Sophronia anyway, although, I can't think of much worse."

* * *

 

Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's why they took Joanna and ran with it. Josephine was nearly as pretentious sounding as Sophronia, although ten times better than it.

I'm Joanna Pevensie, the eldest of the four Pevensie siblings.

Before you call me a freak and spit in my face and yank my braid like all the other girls in my school, please, please, just hear me out. If you aren't, please leave. I have no need for more horrid people in my life.

I'm not good at being a girl. That's what all the other girls say. I run and I fight and I love math and science, and I understand it's not lady like. The rules aren't fair, so I try to keep my head afloat, and now, I don't even hear what they say anymore, they've said it so many times.

Except when Esther says it. I don't know what happened to her, but whatever happened, I'm sorry I couldn't stop it. I'm sorry I couldn't stop her from becoming like that, from hurting Lucas but I don't know.

I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

Yes. I am aware all the elder siblings are supposed to be good examples, be perfect, show their younger siblings how to do things, but I'm sure I'm only a perfect example for what not to become.

I play too rough for a girl, I'll hurt Lucas.

I'm not ladylike enough to be an example for Esther.

I protect Samuel too much, it stops him from becoming the best person.

* * *

Once upon a time, I would do it all without hesitation. I would let Samuel follow in my footsteps so I could protect him, let him shadow me so I knew he was there. He only follows me because he's-

I can't say it without hurting him.

I would let Edith use me and mother as an example so she could know how to protect herself and be ladylike, let her shadow me so I could show her the world and be there to mother her. She now knows not to follow because she-

I can't say it without hurting her.

I would play with Lucas, I would show him how the world works. I would read him stories and bring his fairy tales to life, I would show him and protect him and mother him. He only lets me because-

Lucas wouldn't know what I meant, but that doesn't mean I'll say it either.

That was when I could still believe I was doing a glimmer of good for them.

I know better now.

* * *

"And they all lived happily ever after." Joanna smiled at Lucas's beaming face, dreaming of finding his own enchanted world one day.

Lucas looked at her, "Do you think that one day we can find our own magical world?"

"Why, maybe in a dream or a dream of a dream," Joanna wasn't willing to break Lucas's faith in the good in the world. "Maybe one day, if you are brave enough. You will come back to visit, when you are called, yes? And there will be no need to say goodbye. Because you will come back and live happily ever after like the stories. One day, you will be your own legend, and don't you doubt that, Lucas."

He could still believe.

She could pretend for her siblings.

But she wanted to believe so hard. One day, she told herself, she would once again find the strength to believe.

 

And she swore she heard the roar of a lion in the distance.


End file.
